Imminence

"I've bathed in our own lament
When we were flashing in front of my eyes
And I, and I, and me, are my own worst enemies
But I hope you see the best of us in time.

I'm waiting now for this cause to take effect
Waiting now I am
And though we're standing up high
On this precipice
Waiting now, I am."



This is it. All that semi-spontaneous planning and decisions and longing and crying and wanting have come down to this. The last day that I will spend as a resident of my parents' house.
I'm doing something very unlike me; I'm leaping before I look. I'm still waiting to hear from studylink as to whether I get the student allowance, and yet I'm still moving out... without guarantee that I'll be able to live comfortably. If they say no I can still support myself, just, by teaching. But I'd really rather not be living by the skin of my teeth.
The imminence of this emancipation is... daunting. I feel I've regressed about eight years and then been thrown into the same situation. Bewildered, confused, a little panicky. Not enough to make me chicken out, but enough that when I finally relaxed into uneasy dreams last night it was a relief just to not feel that feeling anymore.
Dad was saying last night that what we're doing is like getting married, without getting married. There's no counseling for moving in together. In some ways, if we were getting married, it'd be easier... but there's time for that.

I feel a bit directionless with this blog. Usually I build a blog around an idea, but the idea I'm building this one around is shaky and uncertain, so the blog is too.
Wish me luck.