Townvirgin

"Take your time
To trust in me
And you will find...
The time goes by
So naturally
While you receive
Infinity."

I turned 18 last August and I actually hadn't yet gone out to town on a friday night. While this may seem abnormal, it's mostly because I'm, well, lazy. I could have tried to organise something and get a group together. But for one, as already mentioned, I'm lazy... and for two, I felt embarrassed to text people saying "I've never been to town before, can someone chaperon me?"
So anyway, last night me, Jared and most of the Tree: Tam, Greg, Ryan, Brooke, Josh Black, Dudley, Hanan, Saad and Julia (though the last two left early before we really got into many clubs) all met at Father Ted's to celebrate Brooke's impending birthday on Sunday. Wow, that's actually quite a large group, I hadn't realised... The night started off pretty low-key. Father Ted's was cool, there were these two guys playing guitars in the little band corner who did a cover of Hit Me Baby One More Time which was hilarious as our whole table was singing along word-perfect, especially Brooke and Tam who had both already had a few drinks haha. Saad and Tam disappeared to eat some Wendy's and were away quite a while, so we decided we should go look for them in case Wendy's had eaten them instead. Once we'd rescued them from the black hole of Wendy's we all trotted off down Queen St towards Cassette, which was amusing when we met Callum because he was handing out advertisements for the place. Cassette was PACKED- like, no place to sit at all, so we left in search of a place that was kicking but not so squished. At least, that's why I think we left haha. We walked up to Crow Bar but that was practically empty, so we waited with Julia till she got picked up (she had an early morning the next day) and then wandered off to this place Tam thought of called the Carpark. When we EVENTUALLY got there (Saad decided to go home because he hadn't slept in two days apparently, so Tam walked him to his car and Dudley led us off on a circuitous route to the place) it was actually really good. I'd had a large beer by that point and finished off two feijoa vodka + lemonades at the Carpark and then we cracked into some dancing. It was awesome at first, the DJ was playing old awesome rock hits with a dance beat underneath so it was like singing/screaming mania, but then he started going back to the gangsta stuff... and not the kind of gangsta stuff that I like. Jared was worried about his ears because the place was SO LOUD... and well, his ears are his livelihood. Also he wasn't drinking because he was on antibiotics, so that made the whole night a bit flat for him. We hung out outside for a bit and then everyone else joined us and we set off for Lenin on the Viaduct, but got told we were too casual. Snobs! We decide to go to Magarita's despite Dudley's misgivings about the place being full of underage girls. It was pretty good though once again the music was so loud as to be painful- I was slightly drunk by then though so it didn't bother me too much, but I think it gave Jared quite a headache. It was $5 drinks there too and I managed to get a bartender to make me a Pina Colada for $5 so I was pretty pleased. Then we really got into the dancing.
It's weird with club music... I've noticed that out of every 20 songs that are used in clubs, thesedays I only really like about 5 or 6 of them, compared with say 7 or 8 in 7th form and about 10 in 6th form. Music really is just going downhill! But of course, I danced anyway. I love dancing. The thing is that I don't dance with people, even if people are there... it's more like I'm dancing with the music. And this brings me to a rather annoying point of the night.
Brooke has always had this strange thing with me, it's like a mixture of mother hen and... like... dominant female? I don't know. But on the way up Queen St she kept prodding and stroking me on the arm and I told her to stop, so she bit me. This in itself is not as rare or strange as you might think, for Brooke. She is always threatening to bite people, she's just... Brooke. But it really actually hurt. I kind of wanted to hit her or shout at her. She's always joking around, like flirting with me in a way, and it just makes me feel uncomfortable. She was dancing close to me in Margie's and trying to get me to do that dance move, you know, the one where girls crouch down low to the ground and then come back up again, with her. I'm scared that one day she will do that thing that many girls seem to do in clubs, lose it and try to kiss me or something, and I just could not handle that. I'm heterosexual, people! Completely and utterly! And besides, kissing or flirting with ANYONE, boy or girl, when you're taken is cheating. And she should know that I think that way. Anyway, I think (hope) that most of the reason she behaves that way around me is that she knows it makes me feel uncomfortable and she finds it funny and just wants to wind me up. And was also a bit drunk.
Aaaaanyway. Jared refused to go onto the dancefloor with us because it was too close to the speakers and he was already in a bit of pain and had his fingers in his ears. So I danced with the rest of the guys and Brooke but always kept an eye on him to make sure he wasn't all by himself. At about 12.40am Jared and I admitted defeat- I was sweaty and exhausted- and headed off home. I don't think we're made for staying out late, I seem to have lost the ability since 7th form afterball... out of condition!
We headed back to the carpark on Victoria St only to find that it had been locked at midnight... Jared called the number and they told him that it would cost $40 to get the car out, and at that moment another girl started walking down the corridor towards us and I took one look at her and thought maybe we can split the bill. Luckily two more people with cars turned up at the same time as the security guy did, and he was REALLY nice... he said it wasn't his company but he would allow us to split the $40 between us, so we got out alright. What a nice guy!
On the way home Jared and I agreed that he would have had a better night if he'd brought earplugs and been drinking, and he even said what I was thinking... that the next time he went out he thought it might be better if he went without me, because there was one less person to worry about. Of course, when I said that I felt the same way, he was like "I know this is really hypocritical but I would be really worried about you going out without me". I just told him that I hoped he would be able to get over that eventually... because I really feel that I would have a better time if I didn't have to worry about Jared having a good time too... Is that stink? I hope not... at least he feels the same way. But like... town is a single person's place. And the only way to do couple dancing in a club is that slutty kind of sexual dancing which I'm really not into. And Jared doesn't really like dancing in clubs anyway... he doesn't like the music. It makes him look and feel awkward. Whereas I find it the best music for dancing to because I have hips... anyway.
I felt really gross and dirty when we got home so I had a quick shower and hopped into bed. BED FELT SO NICE after all that loudness and wood floors haha. And that was the end of my night. It'll probably last me quite a while... I tend to have a night out and then stay home for like 2 weeks and it's all good.
So, I am no longer a townvirgin. Finally. After writing this I'm actually kind of excited for the next time!

Fury

"It's a cruel thing you'll never know
All the ways I tried
It's a hard thing faking a smile
When I feel like I'm falling apart inside

And now you're gone it's like an echo in my head
And I remember every word you said..."



It was close to seven o'clock at night. I was on the bus on the way home from Uni- what a place to have a mental spasm- and that song came up on my iPod... Robyn, Be Mine. Back when shadow-boy was my obsession that song would make me cry until my heart nearly burst. But when I heard it today something else began to rise in my chest... utter and absolute fury.

I've never felt so purely angry in my life. I don't deal with anger very well. I'm not used to it. Frustration, yes... hurt, yes... regret, yes... but not anger.

So I ran. I got off the bus and I ran through my suburb in the darkness. Like the first time I heard that song, I wanted to scream... this time in a different kind of agony than the first... but I didn't want to scare my neighbours... so, like the first time, I danced. I beat the ground with my feet, I cut the air with my arms, I lashed out at the sky. I spun through my fury.

I stopped when it was getting too late and too close to my house to continue.


How dare he?! How dare shadow-boy still affect me this way when it's been so long, and I've been through so much life, and I've had the most amazing person practically given to me on a plate- it's complete crap! Why?!

I believe that everything happens for a reason... but what the hell is life trying to teach me with this?! I've learned everything that I can from him- what is the point in prolonging this torture, this utter useless hopelessness?

And the worst bit is that it's not even his fault. The only person I can really blame is myself- my mind. My stupid, stupid mind! It's all in my head. The one person whose rejection consistently made me feel like I wasn't good enough. And he doesn't even know. He has no idea.
It's. All. In. My. Head.

Insomnia

"Tell me where our time went, and if it was time well spent
Just don't let me fall asleep feeling empty again
Cause I feel I might break
And I feel I can't take this
Tonight I'll lie awake, feeling empty..."

I can't go through this another night, I surely can't.
Tonight's even worse because there's nobody for me to talk to.



I really should know better than to watch Grey's Anatomy when I have a relative in hospital.

Tonight there was the story of an old couple, where the wife had had multiple operations on a tumor in her brain; so many that every time she went in to have another one, the couple would say "goodbye darling" "goodbye my love"; and when she came back out they'd say hello again.
The wife signed a do-not-resuscitate form, and the husband agreed. But of course, this being Grey's, she didn't come through the surgery, and the husband wouldn't let her go... he continued to keep her heart beating just by pressing on her chest. He said, "I can't let her go. I can't be the one to let her go."
I know the doctors are doing everything they can for my Nana. They're trying to get her well enough to come home; since she can't move herself on her bed at present, and she's too heavy for Mum to move, she has to stay in hospital and get stronger. But... what if something happens in hospital? What if she dies? How can I know, knowing they know she's not going to live that much longer, that they'll do all they can to keep her alive? Is there even any point?
And if she does get well enough to come home, and she dies here... wouldn't she have been better off in the hospital? Couldn't they have done something? Again, is there even any point?

I should know better than to torture myself with "what if". To worry about things that I can't do anything about. But it's me... of course I think these things.


I don't understand how day can be so easy to exist in and night so hard. What is it about the dark and the quiet that brings out the bad feelings in me? In us?
How must Nana be feeling, all alone in that hospital ward? I would hate it. I would want to come home. It's not cold in the hospital, not overly, but it makes me shiver... and the instant I'm alone, it makes me shake. I would hate it. So dark, so cold. So alone. So quiet.
One of the things I fear most in this wide world is silence. I'm terrified of going deaf- not an irrational fear considering the gigs I've played and the music I've listened to. As long as I could still hear I could handle any other sense being lost. But if I lost my ability to listen... if my life was consumed by silence... to never hear my beloved's voice again or listen to him coaxing beautiful sounds out of his instrument, or the wind in the trees, or the sound of John Petrucci shredding with such soul, or the piercing cry of two voices in perfect harmony, or the swish of my beautiful girls in ball gowns, the hum of excited talk, the sound of my Nana's piano, though slightly flat, still giving me a way to express my soul. My whole soul's expression is through sound.

I don't know where I'm going with this ridiculous ramble. I only know that I can't do anything else... I can't distract myself with the rest of the internet, with facebook or bebo, or hotmail or msn, or internet games or blog sites or online comics... or with the Sims or designing houses, or thinking about my future wedding (which is what I usually do when I'm upset). I can't settle on a song to listen to or a book to read. And even if I did have someone to talk to I have no idea what I'd say.





I can't let her go. I could never be the one to let her go.