Fury

"It's a cruel thing you'll never know
All the ways I tried
It's a hard thing faking a smile
When I feel like I'm falling apart inside

And now you're gone it's like an echo in my head
And I remember every word you said..."



It was close to seven o'clock at night. I was on the bus on the way home from Uni- what a place to have a mental spasm- and that song came up on my iPod... Robyn, Be Mine. Back when shadow-boy was my obsession that song would make me cry until my heart nearly burst. But when I heard it today something else began to rise in my chest... utter and absolute fury.

I've never felt so purely angry in my life. I don't deal with anger very well. I'm not used to it. Frustration, yes... hurt, yes... regret, yes... but not anger.

So I ran. I got off the bus and I ran through my suburb in the darkness. Like the first time I heard that song, I wanted to scream... this time in a different kind of agony than the first... but I didn't want to scare my neighbours... so, like the first time, I danced. I beat the ground with my feet, I cut the air with my arms, I lashed out at the sky. I spun through my fury.

I stopped when it was getting too late and too close to my house to continue.


How dare he?! How dare shadow-boy still affect me this way when it's been so long, and I've been through so much life, and I've had the most amazing person practically given to me on a plate- it's complete crap! Why?!

I believe that everything happens for a reason... but what the hell is life trying to teach me with this?! I've learned everything that I can from him- what is the point in prolonging this torture, this utter useless hopelessness?

And the worst bit is that it's not even his fault. The only person I can really blame is myself- my mind. My stupid, stupid mind! It's all in my head. The one person whose rejection consistently made me feel like I wasn't good enough. And he doesn't even know. He has no idea.
It's. All. In. My. Head.

Chapter Two: Stop

"You've got it, you've got it
Some kind of magic
Hypnotic, hypnotic
You're leaving me breathless
I hate this, I hate this
You're not the one I believe in
With God as my witness.

Now when I caught myself I had to stop myself
From saying something that I should've never thought.
Now when I caught myself I had to stop myself
From saying something that I should've never thought of you, of you,
You're pushing and pulling me down to you
But I don't know what I want
No I don't know what I want.

I don't know what I want
But I know it's not you...
Keep pushing and pulling me down
When I know in my heart it's not you."



I don't even know how to start this. It's so stupid and pointless and utterly, utterly sad. But not sad like the previous chapter. Sad like pathetic.

I should know better than to read my old diaries.



A week or so ago I was talking to a friend of mine about a certain problem we both have. I suppose its origin is in our over-developed imaginations, our poets' souls, our elephant's memories for past emotions.

It's the What If.

The wondering what might've happened. With a certain someone. If the stars had all been aligned and it had all worked out the way we wanted at the time.


In the days directly before my Jared, my life, my light and my soulmate, there was a dark tunnel of a teenage love in my life. A boy who- through no fault of his own, because he was almost always direct and honest with me- lived in my heart on and off for three years. From the moment which he first became lodged there his shadow began to fall across me, my love, my mind. And in the last year, this shade of him took on a life of its own... even after the boy had lost that kind of interest in me... even after he kindly, thoughtfully and carefully made this absolutely apparent to me... his shadow continued to take over... to claim territory in my heart until the whole thing was dark and corrupted, until I screamed for release, wanted to rip it out of my chest and escape. Hopeless. My eyes so darkened there was nothing else to see but the shadow. Helpless. Too sick to see any way out or any alternative to this twisted love I had come to hold.

And then, like a candle lighting, like the sun rising, a light appeared. Jared rescued me out of my self-inflicted blindness, lifted me up to the warmth. Showed me what love really is. Gave me my life back, claimed my heart back, healed it. All without even knowing it. I know now what I was always missing. Like a puzzle piece fitting perfectly into the piece next to it, he fit. Like the perfect missing note in a melody, he sang. Like sleep washing over after a long night of sleeplessness, he soothed. He is my soulmate; the one I've waited for through who knows how many past lives. And I wouldn't trade him for the world. I want to get that straight. Whatever else I might say in this entry, it doesn't mean that I'd ever let Jared go. Under any circumstances. Because a life without him would be the most potent living hell imaginable.


And yet... and yet... try as I might, I can't completely let him go. The boy who shadowed my heart for years.
My heart is not his kingdom anymore; it's Jared's. And yet still wonder what it might've been like to be his, without the shadow.
I know he's not the one for me; Jared is. And I know that even if we had been together, it wouldn't've lasted- we were almost too similar, he was almost too much of a kindred sprit. The vibe would've felt wrong. And yet still I wonder what it might've been like to have what I wanted so badly for so long.
Secretly, I never really liked kissing before Jared. It was... boring. Honestly, it really wasn't often that I felt like I really wanted to do it, I just did it because it was expected. I think that's because I'm a very specific person; the only person that I am ever going to feel good kissing is always Jared. And yet still I wonder what it would've been like to kiss him. My shadow boy.

These feelings are on and off, just like when he first appeared in my heart. When they're off they're gone like he never existed. But when they're on they keep me up for hours. Just like tonight. I want to be rid of them completely. I want it to stop. But I know no way how.



This year he's moving to England for a gap year, a working holiday, all on his own. It's been months since I last saw this boy; madness considering he was in my group of friends, a set of people I saw almost every single day last year, and considering that he was one of the people I was closest to for most of that year.
His leaving party is on Friday. He'll be gone for a whole year- it'll be the last time I'm going to see him for quite a while. I want to get these feelings I have finished, over, packed away in a box, taped up and stored in the attic of my mind. I want to never want or have to look at them again.
Jared's coming to this party too. He's finally gotten over his slight jealous streak; though I think he still feels edgy about a few people, and this boy is definitely one of them... and fair enough too, considering what I'm writing here. Again I want to stress that Jared is my soulmate and that I can't live without him: no way in hell, heaven or earth would I swap the two around or do anything to betray or hurt him.
But the problem is that me and this boy have never talked about what happened between us. I think this is because he's not one of those guys who like to talk about their inner feelings, which is horrible for me because that's how I sort things out; through talk. Through action, positive action in a positive direction.

I only ever kissed this boy on the cheek, once. Just once. But lately I keep thinking that I should do it again. Still on the cheek. Still just once more. To kiss goodbye to my memory of him. Goodbye to the last fragments of his shadow. Maybe also to compare kissing his cheek to kissing Jared's... just to make absolutely, positively sure that I'm right about how this boy and I would never have worked out. But I'm afraid that someone will see and take it the wrong way... one of my other friends, or, God forbid, Jared... and I'm scared that this boy might take it the wrong way too. I of all people know that you can never count on what you think you know that someone's thinking.

I know it's a bad idea. But only mostly.

I need closure, but I don't know what to do.

Breathing

"You...
You believed ...
You believed in movements none could see.
You believed in me...

I'm alright now...
It's time for us to let you go."



With the absence of many of her possessions, and the presence of so much of her love, I feel stronger.
I'll love and I'll live for her. I'll play piano and I'll sing. I'll help others, I'll be a shoulder to lean upon. I'll be thoughtful and loving and kind. I'll do my best to be her, so the world isn't robbed of another wonderful spirit.

I have big shoes to fill. A big soul to fill. But I'll do my best.

I love you, Nana. I'll see you later.

Atmosphere

"Since you've been gone I've been lost inside
Tried and failed as we walked by the riverside
I wish you could see the love in her eyes
The best friend that eluded you lost in time
Burned alive in the heat of a grieving mind

But what can I say now?

And it couldn't be more wrong cause there's no one there
Unmistakably lost and without a care
Did we lose all the love that we could have shared
And it's wearing me down, and it's turning me round
And I can't find a way now to find it out
Where are you when I need you?

Are you there?"


I should know by now that movies and tv shows are nothing like real life. But once again real life has gotten sick of being ignored and has come back to bite me.
On screen when someone dies, it's simple. They die, you grieve, there's a funeral and from that you get closure. Simple. Done and dusted. In real life it's nothing like that.

But that's what I was expecting. I went to Nana's funeral fully expecting that this would close the book; that I could start a new chapter of this life in total security, looking forward, feeling new. And I truly believe that I could've...

The problem is that nobody else was thinking like that. Everyone else is expecting their grief to carry on for ages, and so it will...
I've become a great believer in the school of thought that says that the mind controls everything. If you think you're recovering from a disease, for example, that can go a long way towards making you recover.
I'm a planner. I plan out my week, my month, my year, and that makes me feel like I have a purpose in life, that I'm going somewhere. Because if I didn't feel that then I'd crash. My plans are the only thing that keep me sane. And so I get upset when something or someone happens to upset my plan.
So I planned to feel better after the funeral. I planned to make a fresh start when Uni started again. I planned to look forward, to move on, not to forget Nana but to forget the pain, because she wasn't feeling it anymore. But other people keep screwing it up.

It's not really my elders' fault... I know they have to sort out the legal crap, her will and her possessions need to go somewhere... they do have to think about her all the time. But nobody else seems to think like I do.
This is going to sound so horrible and tactless, but I'm sick of thinking about it. I'm sick of everyone thinking about it. Don't they understand that life has to go on? Don't they know that the faster they move on the better they'll feel?
And even if they can't stop thinking about her... I just wish they wouldn't keep mentioning her to me. "Oh, Nana would've loved that..." "Nana would've been so pleased/so proud/so tickled about that"... Would've, would've, WOULD'VE. The plain fact is that she's gone. We all know this. Why do we have to keep reminding ourselves of it? Why does everyone feel the need to do that?
If they're going to keep doing that, I kind of wish they'd all just leave me alone.

And yet I know all this is me acting incredibly selfishly. And I hate it.

I don't know what to do. I'm so impatient for life to go back to normal. And when I leave this house it nearly is. Nearly. But the instant I get back the weight of the family grief descends upon me like an avalanche.

I think what I'm trying to say here is that I'm fine. All the denial and the heartache and the other assorted crap that people usually have to deal with when someone they love dies... I've dealt with it. I should be fine... but I feel like other people aren't letting me get over it.

Oblivion

"Why? Tell me the reasons why
Try, still I don't understand
Will I ever feel this again?
Blue sky, I'll meet you in the end..."



My Nana died on Thursday at 4.30pm.

As I walked through with the rest of my family to say goodbye to her, I turned my head to look out the ranch slider. The afternoon sun hit me full on my face, and it filled up my eyes with warm golden light. My first thought was what a beautiful afternoon...

When I walked into her room my eyes first fell onto my Mum. She was an absolute mess. I went to cuddle her. Then I looked at Nana. But she wasn't there.
Her body lay there like... an object. An absence of life. I couldn't even look at it- not because I was afraid, or even sad. Just because there didn't seem any point. She wasn't there. She was everywhere... everywhere else. In the afternoon sun in my eyes. In the dust motes in the air. In the tears of every person in the room.

I let go of Jared's hand. I walked over to the body on the bed and laid my hand on its arm. I looked into the sun, and then I spoke. "I just want to say, thank you. For being such a wonderful Nana. And for giving us this lovely... lovely afternoon."

I left the room, straight-backed, as dignified as I could be. Jared followed. I made it all the way to the deserted lounge, and then I was immobilized by the swelling of terror and grief. I felt like screaming, shouting, doing something to show the world some part of how horrible it was going to be without her with us. Instead I choked it down, stifled the cry, let it stream out of me in tears and trembling. Jared and I held each other as the despair rained down from the ceiling of the house my Nana had lived in since the age of sixteen.



We went for a walk down to the end of the street, to revel in the beauty and promise of the evening Nana gave us. Peace began to enter my heart with the cold air in my lungs, and I looked up to the sky, right into her eyes. She's where she belongs.

Glimmer

"And if it ends today
I'll still say that you shine brighter than anyone..."

Things that have made me smile this week:


The convenience store on K Road. On the static sign above the shop it says, "ONE STOP CONVENIENCE!". On the flashing neon sign on the window it says "ONE STOP CONVENIANCE!".

The manhole on Wellersley Street with part of the white road marking line painted over it, that's been accidentally put back into the road so that that portion of the white line is at a right angle to the rest of the line on the road.

The hippie guy in his brightly coloured psychedelic t-shirt, meditating in between the roots of a huge tree in Albert Park. I wish I'd gone to chat with him!

My bright blue stockings.

Waving at Danny across the park, awkwardly as I had part of a chelsea bun in each hand...

Craccum; I thought it'd be some gay little newsletter thing, but it's absolutely fantastically mad.

"Find Biker Girls
Meet Local Biker Girls Near You. View Profiles 100% Free. Join Now!"- proof that everybody needs love...

Rise Against playing one of the best concerts I've ever been to. Getting rather pummelled at said concert and loving it.

Realizing that after I hand in all my stupid essays, I have two weeks holiday starting next monday.

Nana coming home from the hospital; even though I can't go and hug her as I have a cold.


Resolution: When I go back to Uni, everytime I see someone awesome or think "I should talk to that person", I will.
I will ask the girl selling newspapers on the corner of Victoria Street whether they're supposed to shout like oldschool paper boys.
I will talk to the bus driver about whether they enjoy their job.
I will ask my tutors how they became tutors.

I'm tired of being aloof.