Purgatory

"The world is a drought when out of love
Please come back to us
You're all of the above
'I'm making a choice to be out of touch.
Leave me be,' He said, he said, he said...

'Leave me here in my stark raving, sick, sad little world!
Leave me here in my stark raving, sick, sad little world!'"



I haven't posted for a while... I guess there hasn't really been anything to say. I'd closed that chapter- it was quite a short one I guess. I thought it'd be that easy. Cut the ties. Turn in a new direction. Start a new chapter. I should've known.
It was really weird actually. I was thinking that as I loaded up my blog, and then the latest entry under Danny's blog said something quite similar. That seems to happen to us a lot.

Today I logged into msn for the first time in ages to sort out my mess of a hotmail inbox. There was a message from Shadowboy in it, just a general thing sent out to everyone. He called it Travel Log, and it was just an account of what'd happened to him so far... but reading it made me so... so sad. I suddenly realized that, by cutting the ties I had to him as more than a friend, I'd almost cut him out of my life. Made him someone neutral, normal, unknown. And it hurt. Evidently there are still some sore spots from where I cut the ties, and they haven't healed yet.
So, patience. I must have patience and wait for them to heal. Silly really- I shouldn't've thought that it'd be that fast and easy. I should've listened to you, Danny, when you said time. Twice.

I'm in purgatory. In limbo. Just waiting.

Glimmer

"And if it ends today
I'll still say that you shine brighter than anyone..."

Things that have made me smile this week:


The convenience store on K Road. On the static sign above the shop it says, "ONE STOP CONVENIENCE!". On the flashing neon sign on the window it says "ONE STOP CONVENIANCE!".

The manhole on Wellersley Street with part of the white road marking line painted over it, that's been accidentally put back into the road so that that portion of the white line is at a right angle to the rest of the line on the road.

The hippie guy in his brightly coloured psychedelic t-shirt, meditating in between the roots of a huge tree in Albert Park. I wish I'd gone to chat with him!

My bright blue stockings.

Waving at Danny across the park, awkwardly as I had part of a chelsea bun in each hand...

Craccum; I thought it'd be some gay little newsletter thing, but it's absolutely fantastically mad.

"Find Biker Girls
Meet Local Biker Girls Near You. View Profiles 100% Free. Join Now!"- proof that everybody needs love...

Rise Against playing one of the best concerts I've ever been to. Getting rather pummelled at said concert and loving it.

Realizing that after I hand in all my stupid essays, I have two weeks holiday starting next monday.

Nana coming home from the hospital; even though I can't go and hug her as I have a cold.


Resolution: When I go back to Uni, everytime I see someone awesome or think "I should talk to that person", I will.
I will ask the girl selling newspapers on the corner of Victoria Street whether they're supposed to shout like oldschool paper boys.
I will talk to the bus driver about whether they enjoy their job.
I will ask my tutors how they became tutors.

I'm tired of being aloof.

Foreword

So here I am again, planning to pour my heart out to strangers on a public website... although the only people who are going to be reading this are (probably) people who care about me, or at least know me. So it's more like planning to pour my heart out to people who are thoroughly sick of me already.

The main reason why I started this is because my friend Daniel- mostly known as Danny- is on this site, blogging out his life, and I love to read about it. Danny's the one who inspired me to start writing life-blogs on my myspace, and now he's moved on, I guess I've followed him... I think I also want to try and shut down at least one of my social websites (I have myspace, bebo AND facebook) and myspace is definitely the one I use least. In fact, in all honesty (which is my new policy) the only reason I was on myspace is to read Daniel's blog, because I like to keep an eye on him... I'm a mother hen.

Myspace used to be a "thing" between me, Cloe, Daniel and Ayesha- then my three best friends outside Avondale College, and my confidantes. They were all there first and Cloe cajoled me onto the silly site, and we all blogged about our lives, our loves, our hopes and our disappointments together. But now... well. Ayesha's blogs have gone private, and fair enough- I haven't made an effort to keep in touch with her, and I'm paying the price. Cloe's blogs haven't really changed since their beginning, but most of what she says are things that I could hear from her personally when I text her. Danny's blogs have moved here. And my blogs slowly petered out and stopped when I met my soulmate, Jared, because suddenly there was a sudden lack of negative drama in my life... and I just recently realized that most of what I blogged about was my dramas.

You might ask why, if my negative dramas were what I blogged about and they have stopped (or nearly so), am I starting a blog at all? My answer is a bit silly really. You see, most people I know who keep a diary keep just that- a diary, a book, physical paper with physical ink telling about their days, their nights. I used to as well, but the onset of technology has had an interesting effect on me; I find I get impatient with writing for several reasons. These are:

• My writing is HUGE- I fit maybe ten average words on a line of pad paper on a good day, and maybe five on a bad day.

• I am not a fast writer, and when I try to write fast my writing gets messier and bigger and messier and bigger until I'm absolutely disgusted with the result. Despite the evidence of my messy room which is usually covered in discarded clothes and books, I am not a person who revels in messiness. I can't study or do homework in my room when it's messy, I hate it when things are colour-coordinated, and I can't stand disorganization. Can't. Stand. It.

• However, I am a very fast typer. I love the speed and neatness with which the words run onto the screen- typing can keep up with my out-of-control train of thought, and the events and changes in my life.

So there are my reasons. This site is fantastic, it autosaves like every five minutes so if I lose any of my silly rambles due to Felix's spazzes (Felix is my laptop, but don't get too jealous- as you might've realised, he's a bit senile, and his battery is shot so I can't unplug him at all), I don't have to tear out my hair about it.

Hopefully this blog will be an easier way for the people I love best to keep caught up with my life and so on. A few of my friends have left Auckland (e.g. Ee Laine), and quite a few of them who are still in Auckland aren't at Auckland University (e.g. Deanna, Priscilla, Cloe, Quanny, Brooke), and quite a lot of them who are at Auckland University I haven't even encountered around campus that much yet (e.g. Sarah, Meeral, Julia, Sonali, Danny, Dhakshi), and this is my third week. I guess I'm confessing to being lazy- I don't feel I have time to write to each of these people individually- as well as concieted- who really wants to hear about all the silly stuff that happens to me, day to day, or even the serious stuff?- but there it is.

Just know that I love you all. This chapterbook is for you as much as for me.