Resolute

In order of importance...


Have no grade lower than a B –

Be independent

Save 50% of income from teaching

Get new keyboard: Korg Triton TR76

Don’t expect too much of other people

Get a bunny

Write more blogs

Don’t spend all course-related costs money

Write to Ee Laine

Get photos printed and make an album

Go clubbing

Chapter Six: Out

"So fill your head with what you think you understand.
My ears grow tired of listening to this constant recital
Lend yourself only when it suits
For this worthy cause, for this worthy cause
Feed the elevation that you so desperately, so desperately...

And in this voice of confidence
Too proud to admit flawed opinions
Bound to his verbal crusade
Preaching his infected position.
These tones will always deceive the unfamiliar
Still glorifying your misperception.

SO IN LOVE WITH THE SOUND OF YOUR OWN VOICE
And why? You would talk for eternity
The watcher runs
With the circles of his debate
And in the end, what's been achieved?"


It's definitely time to move out.

When you admit a huge weakness in your character; when you ask a small favour of your mother in order to help you overcome this weakness, and you are denied on the grounds that this person who is meant to love you and care for you is too lazy and busy to do this small thing for you... it's definitely time to move out.

When you come home late, exhausted from a stressful weekend worrying about and crying over your soulmate who has had to spend a night in hospital, and from nursing him back to health; when your father attacks you so personally that you break down in tears and sob so hard you cannot draw breath, and even then he has no pity for you; when your mother calls you selfish, thoughtless and immature, and then expects you to come over to the couch and make her feel like she hasn't done anything wrong... it's definitely time to move out.

When neither parent seems to understand how the weight of keeping peace in the family, the weight of all their countless fights, the weight of the negative emotion that they spread in any house that they live in; how that weight descends upon you and bears you down, crushes you to the floor while you try and lift it away from yourself... it's time. It's time. It is time.

From now, the money I earn from teaching is going towards that one goal. I will endure until I have enough. Then I will leave.
I've been procrastinating, inventing and imagining amazing situations where I could keep my beautiful new house with my window seat and evict my parents, evict that negative emotion. I haven't faced the fact that it will take sacrifices to escape this situation. I feel like I've grown up all of a sudden.

I have to get out of here.

Chapter Three: Overtake

"We all have someone that digs at us
At least we dig each other
So when weakness turns my ego up
I know you'll count on the me from yesterday

If I turn into another
Dig me out from under what is covering the better part of me
Sing this song
Remind me that we'll always have each other
When everything else is gone
Each other, when everything else is gone..."


Today I had a wonderful morning catching up over a cafe breakfast with my girls. It felt so good. I really am starting to realize how cut off I've been from everyone but Jared... like I'm falling behind them on the road of life, being overtaken by everyone... I really need to keep on top of it. It's such a nice feeling to be back in a group of girls... I even followed Deanna into her AUT lecture, which is where I am now. This morning has made me see just how much I actually miss school... not the classes, obviously, but the atmosphere and the connection with everybody; seeing the same people every day, being up-to-date with everyone just through "the grapevine"... and being at the same institution at the same time, day in, day out. Deanna is one of my best, best friends, but I somehow managed to not seek out to talk to her for months. (Hi De, if you're reading this later haha) Just spending an hour in her company makes me feel so happy and loved. How could I have forgotten that? Resolution- keep up with Deanna.

Ironically, the lecture I'm chilling in right now is about how relationships work. It's kind of interesting, though for someone who overthinks everything like I do, it's kinda commonsense-ish.

The lecturer just said "the substance of relationships is communication". It's so simple, and so true.

Purgatory

"The world is a drought when out of love
Please come back to us
You're all of the above
'I'm making a choice to be out of touch.
Leave me be,' He said, he said, he said...

'Leave me here in my stark raving, sick, sad little world!
Leave me here in my stark raving, sick, sad little world!'"



I haven't posted for a while... I guess there hasn't really been anything to say. I'd closed that chapter- it was quite a short one I guess. I thought it'd be that easy. Cut the ties. Turn in a new direction. Start a new chapter. I should've known.
It was really weird actually. I was thinking that as I loaded up my blog, and then the latest entry under Danny's blog said something quite similar. That seems to happen to us a lot.

Today I logged into msn for the first time in ages to sort out my mess of a hotmail inbox. There was a message from Shadowboy in it, just a general thing sent out to everyone. He called it Travel Log, and it was just an account of what'd happened to him so far... but reading it made me so... so sad. I suddenly realized that, by cutting the ties I had to him as more than a friend, I'd almost cut him out of my life. Made him someone neutral, normal, unknown. And it hurt. Evidently there are still some sore spots from where I cut the ties, and they haven't healed yet.
So, patience. I must have patience and wait for them to heal. Silly really- I shouldn't've thought that it'd be that fast and easy. I should've listened to you, Danny, when you said time. Twice.

I'm in purgatory. In limbo. Just waiting.

Unbound

"Another turning point, a fork stuck in the road.
Time grabs you by the wrist, directs you where to go.
So make the best of this test and don't ask why.
It's not a question but a lesson learned in time.

It's something unpredictable but in the end it's right.
I hope you had the time of your life.

So take the photographs and still frames in your mind.
Hang it on a shelf in good health and good time.
Tattoos of memories and dead skin on trial.
For what it's worth,it was worth all the while.

It's something unpredictable but in the end it's right.
I hope you had the time of your life."



So much agonizing over such a simple thing. One little kiss on the cheek. And I agonized over it.
He kissed me on the cheek when we came in the door. And with that the spell of worry was broken. It was obviously and ridiculously normal.

I got a bit drunk at the party, actually. It'd been a while. As stupid as this sounds I need to control myself when I'm drunk and try not to be such an idiot, cause I can see myself doing it and it's just not cool. I say really dumb things. And it doesn't work when the people around me aren't drunk at all.
Also I've noticed that when I'm drunk I'm good at things that I'm usually bad at, and bad at things I'm usually good at...

Anyway. It was a really good night. I didn't feel any pangs or any worry at all. Until it was coming up to time to leave. I thought to myself, this is it. This is your last chance to figure this out, to look at him face-to-face and arrange a spot for him in the correct place in your head.

I hugged him. He lifted me off the ground and hugged me tight back. I kissed his cheek and begged him to take care of himself. He said he would. I told him I'd miss him, and he said he'd miss me too. And then we left.

In the car on the way back, I felt sad. I'd said goodbye to him, my Shadowboy. I would never see him in that way again. That's when I knew that I wasn't done yet. If I was sad, I wasn't finished. That's when I realized that was only the introduction. The rest had to be done inside my head. So I sat back and instead of avoiding all the images of He and I together that had haunted me for years, I closed my eyes and stared and stared at them.

I feasted on them until they were all I could see. Then I forced them into long pieces like ribbons, and visualized them as connecting my heart and His. Then I lifted my hands and took up a pair of imaginary scissors. I concentrated on each one individually. He and I. Our held hands, on every occasion they were and every one I'd imagined. I began to cut, as close to my own heart as I could. As cleanly as I could. I didn't watch the ties falling away. I didn't look back. Focus, focus. On to the next. His face close to mine. That look in his eyes that only couples share with each other. Our lips meeting. The scissors snipped. They were very sharp. Focus, last one now. Me and him, alone, intimacy uninterrupted by any other person. Us as lovers, for life. It was hard to look at that one, but I made myself. Focus. Cut the ties that bind. Become unbound.
The scissors met. The ties fell away. I didn't watch them.

I opened my eyes and looked straight over at Jared, filling my heart and soul with the quiet joy that I had my life companion, forever, the one I was meant to be with. Forever. Forever. No pain, no uncertainty. Forever.


A few minutes later I made myself examine my heart, make sure that everyone was in their proper place. It seemed correct, everything seemed in order- Jared filling the romantic like a ray of warm, soft sunlight, and my friends all glittering in the platonic like crystal rainbows. And that's when I saw him. When I had a sudden revelation.
He was still there. But he was in the right place. He mixed in to the platonic with ease, as if he'd never been anywhere else.
It seemed stupid right after the blinding moment of realization, but it was such a huge thing at the time; he was my friend. He could still be my friend. I didn't have to cut him out of my life. He could be my friend. Just like it should have been all along. It was so simple and astonishing that I smiled and almost laughed aloud.

I had the best. The best of all worlds. Unbound friendship... abounding love.

Glimmer

"And if it ends today
I'll still say that you shine brighter than anyone..."

Things that have made me smile this week:


The convenience store on K Road. On the static sign above the shop it says, "ONE STOP CONVENIENCE!". On the flashing neon sign on the window it says "ONE STOP CONVENIANCE!".

The manhole on Wellersley Street with part of the white road marking line painted over it, that's been accidentally put back into the road so that that portion of the white line is at a right angle to the rest of the line on the road.

The hippie guy in his brightly coloured psychedelic t-shirt, meditating in between the roots of a huge tree in Albert Park. I wish I'd gone to chat with him!

My bright blue stockings.

Waving at Danny across the park, awkwardly as I had part of a chelsea bun in each hand...

Craccum; I thought it'd be some gay little newsletter thing, but it's absolutely fantastically mad.

"Find Biker Girls
Meet Local Biker Girls Near You. View Profiles 100% Free. Join Now!"- proof that everybody needs love...

Rise Against playing one of the best concerts I've ever been to. Getting rather pummelled at said concert and loving it.

Realizing that after I hand in all my stupid essays, I have two weeks holiday starting next monday.

Nana coming home from the hospital; even though I can't go and hug her as I have a cold.


Resolution: When I go back to Uni, everytime I see someone awesome or think "I should talk to that person", I will.
I will ask the girl selling newspapers on the corner of Victoria Street whether they're supposed to shout like oldschool paper boys.
I will talk to the bus driver about whether they enjoy their job.
I will ask my tutors how they became tutors.

I'm tired of being aloof.