Chapter Seven: Expectations

"But I keep climbing and hoping things would change,
And the sky turns gray, and the water from the rain washes progress away
It's like moving mountains,
It's like moving mountains
Why you just leave me?"



Expectations. They are everywhere. When we are brought up we are taught to expect things, to look forward, to anticipate. We're even told to expect the unexpected, which is grammatically impossible. But what good have expectations ever done for us?

Christmas is coming. I'm at the age, and have been for several years, when I no longer get surprise presents; I'm asked what I want, and if I choose carefully I usually get it. I therefore expect to get what I asked for. And I do. The expecting of it doesn't make the reception any nicer, and if I didn't get what I expected to, then it would be a disappointment.
I suppose there are people out there for whom the anticipation of the gift is as good or better than the actual getting of it; but in some ways I am not a particularly patient person and once I know what I'm getting, waiting for it just infuriates me.
Still, I hate surprises. Genuine ones are okay, but I hate surprises when the person surprising you hints at what they're doing. So what right do I have to object to the only alternative; anticipation?

Then here is another example. T.V. shows: soap operas, medical dramas, sitcoms. They're supposed to depict at least a smidgen of real life, of reality. Of course, there are probably a few people who watch them and realise that they aren't as "real" as they pretend they are, or people who realise that and then deliberately DON'T watch them... but the sad truth is that children, young teens and less intelligent people do take them as representations of real life. They therefore expect to live their life like that; and then they fulfill their own expectations. No matter if the "real life" situations with their "true" characters are depicting something dangerous to a person's health or the lives of those around them! It's the way that life is, and the individual couldn't imagine it any other way. Wouldn't expect it any other way. It takes the intelligent person to figure out that life is NOT what you see on T.V. Those girls going to parties every night and working five days a week would not still be able to look like that in the morning. Work affairs mostly do not work out. Life is much, much harder than the lives led on screen. It's much more boring and it can be much more interesting. If you want to waste it being that girl or that guy, because you expect life to be like what you've watched, then fine; but know that it is a waste. Each individual is capable of much more than the shadows of them that are portrayed for entertainment. And nobody- nobody- should seek out that much drama.

But the real shame, the real crime, is the expectations of relationships. Girlfriend, Dolly, Creme... the magazines tell young girls what to expect, and they lap it right up. We all did. Some still do. Wait for the guy who makes you feel special every moment of the day. The one who treats you like a princess. The one who will look after you. The one who never makes you cry. The one who makes you feel strong. The one who is perfect. Perfection. That's what we are raised to expect. The saying "only human" is never ever taken into account here. How incredibly unfair is this to guys? The expectation of perfection is so impossible that not a single one can hope to reach it. Who wants to be treated like a princess? Better to be treated like a real person with your own autonomy. To have fun rather than be wrapped in cotton wool. Who wants to be looked after, to be made to feel strong? You should be able to look after yourself. You will be a much more adaptable, complete person if you can be strong in yourself rather than constantly relying on another person for your self-esteem or the way your life is. And if he makes you cry: good. You should cry. If this emotion that you are feeling is real and deep enough to last, it should cause tears. If he hurts you, cry. Cry and curse him, and then think about it from his point of view. Is he really going to hurt you on purpose like that? He is only human. ONLY HUMAN. We all are. We all make mistakes. The impossible things we are taught to expect from relationships only cause more trouble in the long run; more broken hearts, more agony, more wasted time.

Expectations rarely yield positive outcomes. At best they are neutral, and yet we continue to invest in them. Why? Can't everyone see how destructive they can be to other people?
I can usually see the good in people and their behaviours. I'm sure there's some good in having expectations... but, for the life of me, I can't find it in the darkness cast by their shadows.

Perusal

"Well hey, hey baby it's never too late
When I'm gone you won't remember a thing
But I can't stay and you know I won't wait
I was gone from the very first day

Oh...

You've never been so used as I'm using you
Abusing you, my little decoy
Don't look so blue, you should've seen right through
I'm using you, my little decoy

Oh, I'm not sorry at all...
I won't be sorry at all...
I'd do it over again."


Girls go out window shopping. It's a thing that we do. Even if we can't afford, don't need, or even don't want anything new, we'll go out and look at clothes in shops. It's a fun activity. It's like dressing up dolls, except you're the doll (maybe we're conditioned to do this from childhood, when we're given dolls and shown how to dress them up?)... sometimes we'll even try the clothes on. But the important bit is that even if we're looking, we have no intention of buying them.

Guys don't seem to be able to understand this at all. Maybe that's why girls get accused of being teases, or of leading guys on. A guy catches us looking at him or talking to him in a certain way and as soon as he finds out we're not single, or not interested, we are discarded and labeled a tease. Well, I say "we"... I mean me. It seems to happen to me a lot.

Maybe if guys could be made to see the merits and the fun of window shopping, they'd get this. We're looking at them. We're talking to them. Once in a while maybe we're even flirting with them. But we have no intention of going any further with them. We can't afford to (no spare time or affection), we don't need (aren't single) or want (aren't interested in) a relationship. But if we didn't try boys on for size, we'd never figure out what we really want or need.

I guess where this is really coming from is this: I've just recently realized that, contrary to popular belief, there are a LOT of decent guys in the world. And I mean a lot. You just need to look in the right places. In my tutorials alone there's at least three guys who interest me (one of them only mildly, but still). And I'm lucky enough to be considered attractive to quite a number of boys who come in contact with me (I know it's pretty conceited for me to say that, but I don't feel like being down on myself today, and if I give in to my logical brain, the evidence for this claim is there. Starkly).

Since I've started comparing notes with Jared, I've become disillusioned with the male species. I used to think (or maybe hope) that heterosexual guys could talk to girls with the sole aim of wanting to get to know them, as a friend. As in, with nothing to do with getting into their pants, or hooking up with them, or thinking "damn, she's hot. I'd better talk to her". Jared assures me this is not possible. And as he is a boy, I have to take his word for it.

That being said, it's not just his word. With two of the guys who have been rather obviously interested in me, as soon as I've mentioned a boyfriend they have backed off somewhat.
EXAMPLE ONE: Guy from my ENGLISH101 Tutorial. He was all friendly and very, very obviously keen, but as soon as I mentioned Jared he started sitting somewhere else.
EXAMPLE TWO: Today a guy from my LINGUIST101 Tutorial was talking to me while I was standing waiting for Jared, and by and by he asked me what I was waiting for. "Boy," I said, pointing to where I could see Jared coming up the hill. "Oh, right," he said. "Well, see ya." And he walked off. It was very sudden. It almost made me laugh.
(Now, I'm willing to give in if anyone wants to object to the way I'm reading these situations. I'm fully open to other interpretations. But with my woman's intuition that's how they seem to come across.)

It kind of makes me a bit sad when this happens. I admit freely- I enjoy being noticed and talked to by guys. It makes me feel attractive, and not just physically. Everyone wants to feel like an attractive person, no matter what they say about "I don't need a man" etc. It's also nice to know that I'm attractive to people other than Jared. So it makes me kinda sad when I mention a boyfriend and the other guy immediately loses interest. Would it be so hard for him to continue to talk to me without me being available?

My brother and his wife and Jared and I went to see a comedy show thing today, and one of the comedians went off on a rant that interested me very much. He was talking about how girls complain that all the guys they meet in bars are chauvinistic, horrible pigs. He objected. He got quite agitated actually. He said, "There are guys out there who want to love you! Who want to bring you flowers and think about you and to... to place you on the pedestal you deserve! But they're not the ones you tend to fuck!"

Girls go window shopping. For guys, too. It's just idle perusal. Some guys can be very pleasing to the eye, too. For a little while you can pretend that you do have time and affection, or that you're single, or that you'd like a boyfriend. Just as trying on clothes makes you feel trendy and good-looking, trying on guys makes you feel attractive and appealing. And what girl doesn't want that?




I should really start writing my advice book for guys decoding the female mind...