Prediction

"Shame on us
We knew from the start.
May god have mercy on our dirty little hearts.
Shame on us
For all we have done
And all we ever were
Just zeros and ones."


I have just realised that nobody in the house drinks milk except for me. I was away this past week and the open carton in the fridge was half full and smelled off, while the unopened carton expires tomorrow.
I'm not sure why this hit me in such a strange way. I guess it's just prediction of the near future... I wonder if anyone will buy milk when I move out? This week was like a test for my parents of how it's going to be in about a month's time. They missed me so much it was kind of sad. And ever since I made them see that me moving out was a reality, they've been behaving much better. They've been much nicer to me and to each other.
My cat is at the vet at the moment, staying in the cattery because they can't figure out what's wrong with him. He's not eating or drinking well and he's lethargic and there's something wrong with his liver. I really, really hope he gets better; it would be so utterly horrible if he died. Not just because I'd miss him so much, but for my parents. Their youngest child is already moving out and all they'd have left after me is Shandy. What if he's not here?

Despite all my complaints and their inadequacy and horribleness, I don't want them to be lonely.

Educate

"Why do I feel so numb?
Is it something to do with where I come from?
Should this be fight or flight?
I don't know why I'm constantly reeling.

Helpless hysteria
A false sense of urgency
Trapped in my phobia
Possessed by anxiety."


I had my first day of music teacher training today. It was... intense. There's so much they feel the have to educate us on... and I'm paying attention as I've never paid attention before, despite the feeling that it's all common sense. You know, stuff about being friendly and that. I don't know, I'm going to have to look through my notes again. My head is overfull of information; it doesn't even know where to start cataloging.

Also I had an instant coffee today with too much coffee in it and went on a nasty caffeine trip. I got all anxious and panicky and sick-feeling. Why do I do that to myself? Why haven't I learned about my low tolerance for caffeine? I had two coffees and a tea today. I must get out of the habit of drinking things like that just to look grown up. I think this is an example of what that girl said today, Laney (the other new vocal teacher), that learning is conscious. You have to choose to learn from something.

A tiny baby has just come into the world. My niece, Lyrical. She is so, so tiny. It's daunting. I feel afraid when I hold her, nervous of the huge responsibility that comes with such a tiny thing. I loved the idea of "Auntie Sheen" but now that it's down to it, I'm scared. The vulnerability and dependence of a newborn baby is staggering. Her entire life, aspects of her personality and her behaviour, they are in our hands.

What will she learn?


Well, I'll teach her to sing. And that coffee is bad for you.

Resolute

In order of importance...


Have no grade lower than a B –

Be independent

Save 50% of income from teaching

Get new keyboard: Korg Triton TR76

Don’t expect too much of other people

Get a bunny

Write more blogs

Don’t spend all course-related costs money

Write to Ee Laine

Get photos printed and make an album

Go clubbing

Fresh

"It could be wrong, could be wrong
But it should've been right
It could be wrong, could be wrong
To let our hearts ignite
It could be wrong, could be wrong
Are we digging a hole?
It could be wrong, could be wrong
This is out of control
It could be wrong, could be wrong
It could never last
It could be wrong, could be wrong
Must erase it fast
It could be wrong, could be wrong
But it could have been right
It could be wrong, could be wrong

Love is our resistance."



I haven't had time to make New Year's resolutions yet. In a way I'm actually scared of them. I've always hated goal setting because I feel like I'm putting pressure on myself. The usual template for goals- "By [insert time here] I will have done [insert goal here]"- includes no qualifier, no "or else". So if I don't accomplish my goal, the only other alternative is feeling disappointed in myself. That's not nice. Expectations strike again!

These were last year's resolutions. The ones I've achieved are in bold.

"Get plenty of sleep
Make every second beverage water
Eat healthily
Wear my hair up at least three times a week
Dress alternatively
Be myself

Start writing again
Start dancing
Write in diary every day
Listen to all of my backlog of new music

Teach piano and voice
Get a job
Save more than I spend
Get a new laptop
Find a keytar
Move out
Go to every lecture

Never forget a birthday
Stay in touch with high school friends
Throw farewell party for EeLaine"

I guess I got most of them... so why am I so scared of resolutions? I guess what I'm most afraid of is failure. I'm afraid that other circumstances will arise that aren't my fault, and I won't be able to accomplish my goals. I'm even more afraid that fate won't intervene and it will be all my fault for being lazy.
This is going to be an intense year for me. I'm moving out, trying to balance Uni and my new job as a singing teacher, trying to get enough money to pay the bills and look after myself and Jared. It might be tough. To throw more on top of myself just seems silly, and seeing as I don't know what the year is going to be like, setting goals that I can predict I will accomplish is impossible.
And yet, with this fresh start hovering over my head, I can't help but turn my mind towards the important things, the things I want to achieve this year.